Im not sure what the fuck happened but I will try and write it the best I can.
On Saturday, my ex N** decided she was going to come and visit so she did and we went out to a club called The Warehouse. Its an awesome alternative club, fun times!
Anyway she ended up ditching me and getting with three different people and I was like...erm...thanks? I would like to mention at this point she has a boyfriend.
When we got back from Warehouse, she told me she did it to make me jealous and yeah it worked but why the fuck would someone be cruel enough to do something like that? Its just wrong!
On Sunday she pretty much just cried about it, out of shame and shit I guess but I guess she kinda deserved it. I didnt tell her that obviously but I didnt really comfort her either. I didnt know what to do.
Today was the worse, she had decided that how she acted in Warehouse was my fault and that if I had given her the attention she deserved then she wouldnt of been like that. This really pissed me off to be honest but I didnt say anything about it.
It ended when I came back into my room and she was sprawled on my bed expecting sex and well yeah I turned her down, for many reasons, one she has a boyfriend and I know how much it hurts to be cheated on, two for the way she acted in Warehouse and three how she had reacted towards me. This made her made and she decided to leave.
But before she left she decided to leave me with this "I dont even know why I am here, I have someone back home who loves me and wants to be with me. You know what D**? I dont want you in my life no more so Im cutting all ties, including facebook"
I didnt know what to say, it really hurt to hear it, especially when I had done nothing wrong, all I could say was "Yeah he loves you but here you are fucking half of Warehouse, what does that say about you?" She left after that and I aint heard anything since.
It really messed me up though, for the first time in months I wanted to but myself again, I even got the razor blade ready and pushed it against my arm but I couldnt bring myself to do it. I kinda just sat there feeling empty, used and truely fucked over.
IM.
Monday, 30 May 2011
Friday, 27 May 2011
My time in hospital - Day 5
Day 5 – Its 8:25am and it feels like I aint slept at all. I’m not sure what meds they are giving me anymore but what I have realised is that it seems to change with each nurse. I’ve just had my morning dose and now I feel quite sick (Not self-inflicted, I truly feel ill) Also, the pain in my stomach is pretty bad right now. I have also been told they are taking out my cannula today which is a little annoying because I’ve become quite fond of it and it is still something that lets me pass the time by flicking it or releasing the pressure clasp so my blood flows through the tube.
I think I am also getting a cold here, my nose is all blocked up. God I hate it here! It’s not even 9am yet. I have a feeling that today is going to be another wrenched day where I end up ranting on this. I guess one good thing happened…convict didn’t try taking any of my stuff last night.
Well I was sick and naturally I called the nurse because of the pain but get this…it took over an hour for her to do anything. I was in so much pain I started to cry! Maybe I should thank her? My eyes burn now though…all of the saline I have been on has apparently made my tears super salty…yum yum. The doctor has also been to visit and it looks like I am stuck in here till after the weekend. Fan-fucking-tastic! He reckons it’s one of the medications I am on that’s causing me to be like this. The dosage of said tablet is way too high apparently…maybe I should sue? They are also putting a new cannula in me…yay! I shall name it Bob. Bob the cannula, nice ring don’t you think? No? Well fuck you! I wish I could sleep through my whole time here, it would make things so much more bearable.
*Note to self: Cyclizine through the veins hurts. It hurts real bad, they said it was like pouring acid into my veins and fuck I believe them…at least it took away some of the sickness.* I’ve just realised that today is the 5th which means it is Bonfire Night for everyone but me. That’s so fucking unfair >.< I hate being here so much! *while staring at things he could set on fire to honour this night he starts to hum “Remember, remember, the 5th of November, the gunpowder reason and plot. I can think of no reason, why the gunpowder treason, should ever be forgot”*
You know I think convict has done another runner, he left this morning and has not returned…hmm. I’ve just had my lunch by the way, one whole small cup of vegetable soup, how very filling. I just don’t want to be sick again but what I would give for a steak or a pint of coke.
Oh by the way I have a new doctor and so far he seems good, at least he is trying, not like the previous cunt. That guy was with him today, kissing ass so you could tell the new doc was of more importance. He looks an awful lot like guy in House MD. I can’t remember his name but he is a cancer doctor and best friend of House…yeah well him.
I’ve just realised something that is oddly true. In her book EA tells of how she has realised that many things are pink in the medical world and I’m starting to believe it. Even my cannula is a lovely shade of baby pink. I wonder why pink, anyone know?
I long for a biscuit.
So Bob is now snugly in my right elbow and actually quite painful compared to the one in my left hand. It’s still pink by the way, didn’t they have purple or black or even red? At least make the thing look appealing to the person it is going to be stuck into! They took more blood too and ended up spilling it on me, lovely. Such a waste.
So I’ve just finished EA’s book which was amazing but now what the hell am I going to do!? I’m already feeling the stress rise in me again now I’m back in here with nothing to distract me. I always do this! I enjoy reading but when I do read a book I read it so damn quick that very soon after starting, the magic and escape of realism is gone and I am left with nothing again. I guess I’ll count the ceiling tiles again…aint done that in a while and the last thing I want is for the tiles to think I’m ignoring them.
I’ve just ate my tea, all of it and now I feel quite sick. Sadly my torment is not over though because now I have to have a cup of tea since I lost the bet with myself last night. Grrr. There! The tea is gone and now I truly feel sick, not a good thing since I can’t leave my bed…maybe I can aim it elsewhere when/if it happens. I think I may re-read EA’s book. I have nothing else here.
I would like to thank the random people in Chorley who still keep to the tradition of Bonfire Night…I might not be able to take part but at least I get to watch the pretty fireworks light up the sky. I am starting to feel quite sad again though, maybe its cause of boredom or the fact I’m missing N** terribly or the fact I’ve finished Miss Autumn’s book to damn quickly or the fact I’m still stuck in here…or possibly it’s just the fact Bob is pink! Hmmm thinking about it Bob does not suit the pink cannula so sorry Bob but I’m re-naming you as Belle. Everyone say hi Belle. HI BELLE! I must admit Belle is keeping me quite intrigued. She keeps sucking out blood from my vein but then seconds later it gets sucked back in. In and out, in and out, it’s quite repetitive…almost trance like.
Hmm so I guess convict has gone back to prison since there is a new guy now in the bed next to me. I’m in no mood to talk though so no idea what his deal is.
Oh coffee, oh precious sweet tasty coffee I am so glad your back. I’m quite bored at the moment but what’s new on that front? My time consists of doing word searches and watching online T.V which brings me to a new thing all together. A show I was watching was set in Florida and just seeing the place brought back all the memories of being there so I have decided the come July next year I, along with N**, shall be going. I can’t wait! Now back to the word search…how ironic, the word is ‘trapped’.
I am lying in bed right now and have come to a very depressing conclusion about myself, I have nothing that makes me me. Everything that is me I have taken from the people around me. There is nothing original about me at all. It’s no wonder I give up everything I try…I guess even getting into university wasn’t even my own doing when I look at it like that. *Sigh* Night people.
It’s now 2:02am and I’m still tied up on my previous statement about myself. I can’t actually remember a time where I have selected something for me. Did I do it to fit in? Of course I did but now I wish I didn’t. I don’t know me at all, just the personas I have taken on so people will like me. If I had been myself would I have done better in school? Maybe learnt an instrument which wasn’t such a fucking typical choice and then maybe stuck at it and have been able to play it well? Would I have ended up slashing my arm to shreds over pointless things? Hell would I even be depressed or have thought of self-harm? I can’t fucking believe I’m going to be showing this to everyone once I get out. I’m going to most likely be hated for it or if not hated then mocked or some fucking other kind of ridicule. I have been asked in the past “Why not talk to a therapist?” well because face to face, even with those who are dearest to me, I freeze up and shut down and I can’t express any of this because I don’t want to be looked at like some sort of fucking freak or sad pathetic waste of space. IT’S FUCKING EMBARRASSING! There is also the fact I don’t want to get fucking locked up on a damn psych ward, being evaluated night and day and constantly fucking stared at. It’s bad enough for me being on a normal hospital ward (As some of you might have noticed) let alone a ward like that! I do want help/treatment…whatever the fuck it’s called. I want to be ‘fixed’ I don’t want these thoughts no more, I don’t see how anyone could! Yes I am self-destructive, most definitely, but I do want to move away from that, put it behind me and never look back. It’s sad, this is the first time ever and I mean EVER where I have been completely open. No secrets or cover ups, you’re getting the real deal here. Feel special? You really should. Now…back to my problem of self-identity, I guess there is something I like for me and was not influenced by others. Cookies. How can anyone not like cookies? But yeah there go, the one (And only) aspect I can think of that is me. Fucking amazing isn’t it.
Grrr for fuck sake thanks to all the glucose saline they have pumped into me today I can’t sleep. It’s now 3:13am by the way.
I think I am also getting a cold here, my nose is all blocked up. God I hate it here! It’s not even 9am yet. I have a feeling that today is going to be another wrenched day where I end up ranting on this. I guess one good thing happened…convict didn’t try taking any of my stuff last night.
Well I was sick and naturally I called the nurse because of the pain but get this…it took over an hour for her to do anything. I was in so much pain I started to cry! Maybe I should thank her? My eyes burn now though…all of the saline I have been on has apparently made my tears super salty…yum yum. The doctor has also been to visit and it looks like I am stuck in here till after the weekend. Fan-fucking-tastic! He reckons it’s one of the medications I am on that’s causing me to be like this. The dosage of said tablet is way too high apparently…maybe I should sue? They are also putting a new cannula in me…yay! I shall name it Bob. Bob the cannula, nice ring don’t you think? No? Well fuck you! I wish I could sleep through my whole time here, it would make things so much more bearable.
*Note to self: Cyclizine through the veins hurts. It hurts real bad, they said it was like pouring acid into my veins and fuck I believe them…at least it took away some of the sickness.* I’ve just realised that today is the 5th which means it is Bonfire Night for everyone but me. That’s so fucking unfair >.< I hate being here so much! *while staring at things he could set on fire to honour this night he starts to hum “Remember, remember, the 5th of November, the gunpowder reason and plot. I can think of no reason, why the gunpowder treason, should ever be forgot”*
You know I think convict has done another runner, he left this morning and has not returned…hmm. I’ve just had my lunch by the way, one whole small cup of vegetable soup, how very filling. I just don’t want to be sick again but what I would give for a steak or a pint of coke.
Oh by the way I have a new doctor and so far he seems good, at least he is trying, not like the previous cunt. That guy was with him today, kissing ass so you could tell the new doc was of more importance. He looks an awful lot like guy in House MD. I can’t remember his name but he is a cancer doctor and best friend of House…yeah well him.
I’ve just realised something that is oddly true. In her book EA tells of how she has realised that many things are pink in the medical world and I’m starting to believe it. Even my cannula is a lovely shade of baby pink. I wonder why pink, anyone know?
I long for a biscuit.
So Bob is now snugly in my right elbow and actually quite painful compared to the one in my left hand. It’s still pink by the way, didn’t they have purple or black or even red? At least make the thing look appealing to the person it is going to be stuck into! They took more blood too and ended up spilling it on me, lovely. Such a waste.
So I’ve just finished EA’s book which was amazing but now what the hell am I going to do!? I’m already feeling the stress rise in me again now I’m back in here with nothing to distract me. I always do this! I enjoy reading but when I do read a book I read it so damn quick that very soon after starting, the magic and escape of realism is gone and I am left with nothing again. I guess I’ll count the ceiling tiles again…aint done that in a while and the last thing I want is for the tiles to think I’m ignoring them.
I’ve just ate my tea, all of it and now I feel quite sick. Sadly my torment is not over though because now I have to have a cup of tea since I lost the bet with myself last night. Grrr. There! The tea is gone and now I truly feel sick, not a good thing since I can’t leave my bed…maybe I can aim it elsewhere when/if it happens. I think I may re-read EA’s book. I have nothing else here.
I would like to thank the random people in Chorley who still keep to the tradition of Bonfire Night…I might not be able to take part but at least I get to watch the pretty fireworks light up the sky. I am starting to feel quite sad again though, maybe its cause of boredom or the fact I’m missing N** terribly or the fact I’ve finished Miss Autumn’s book to damn quickly or the fact I’m still stuck in here…or possibly it’s just the fact Bob is pink! Hmmm thinking about it Bob does not suit the pink cannula so sorry Bob but I’m re-naming you as Belle. Everyone say hi Belle. HI BELLE! I must admit Belle is keeping me quite intrigued. She keeps sucking out blood from my vein but then seconds later it gets sucked back in. In and out, in and out, it’s quite repetitive…almost trance like.
Hmm so I guess convict has gone back to prison since there is a new guy now in the bed next to me. I’m in no mood to talk though so no idea what his deal is.
Oh coffee, oh precious sweet tasty coffee I am so glad your back. I’m quite bored at the moment but what’s new on that front? My time consists of doing word searches and watching online T.V which brings me to a new thing all together. A show I was watching was set in Florida and just seeing the place brought back all the memories of being there so I have decided the come July next year I, along with N**, shall be going. I can’t wait! Now back to the word search…how ironic, the word is ‘trapped’.
I am lying in bed right now and have come to a very depressing conclusion about myself, I have nothing that makes me me. Everything that is me I have taken from the people around me. There is nothing original about me at all. It’s no wonder I give up everything I try…I guess even getting into university wasn’t even my own doing when I look at it like that. *Sigh* Night people.
It’s now 2:02am and I’m still tied up on my previous statement about myself. I can’t actually remember a time where I have selected something for me. Did I do it to fit in? Of course I did but now I wish I didn’t. I don’t know me at all, just the personas I have taken on so people will like me. If I had been myself would I have done better in school? Maybe learnt an instrument which wasn’t such a fucking typical choice and then maybe stuck at it and have been able to play it well? Would I have ended up slashing my arm to shreds over pointless things? Hell would I even be depressed or have thought of self-harm? I can’t fucking believe I’m going to be showing this to everyone once I get out. I’m going to most likely be hated for it or if not hated then mocked or some fucking other kind of ridicule. I have been asked in the past “Why not talk to a therapist?” well because face to face, even with those who are dearest to me, I freeze up and shut down and I can’t express any of this because I don’t want to be looked at like some sort of fucking freak or sad pathetic waste of space. IT’S FUCKING EMBARRASSING! There is also the fact I don’t want to get fucking locked up on a damn psych ward, being evaluated night and day and constantly fucking stared at. It’s bad enough for me being on a normal hospital ward (As some of you might have noticed) let alone a ward like that! I do want help/treatment…whatever the fuck it’s called. I want to be ‘fixed’ I don’t want these thoughts no more, I don’t see how anyone could! Yes I am self-destructive, most definitely, but I do want to move away from that, put it behind me and never look back. It’s sad, this is the first time ever and I mean EVER where I have been completely open. No secrets or cover ups, you’re getting the real deal here. Feel special? You really should. Now…back to my problem of self-identity, I guess there is something I like for me and was not influenced by others. Cookies. How can anyone not like cookies? But yeah there go, the one (And only) aspect I can think of that is me. Fucking amazing isn’t it.
Grrr for fuck sake thanks to all the glucose saline they have pumped into me today I can’t sleep. It’s now 3:13am by the way.
Thursday, 26 May 2011
My time in hospital - Day 4
Day 4 – I think I’m losing my fucking mind! Not only am I no longer allowed the one pain medication that helped, but now the one other person in my room…I mean my ward has left so I’m alone. I like my privacy but not in situations like this. It just makes me think of self-harming again.
I want a way to escape this place but I know I can’t and it’s driving me insane! I also went for my colonoscopy today which sucked because they decided to surprise me with an enema. Who the fuck ever thought this shit up should die! So after all of that, the test showed it’s not my UC. THEY ALREADY KNEW THAT! Why put me through more pain for something they already know?
Also I have again lost my appetite but I don’t care, I’m to fucking depressed now to even realise they have stopped my I.V so now I’m getting no nutrients. Maybe this should be a diet plan? But yes I feel dead in here now, I’ve even started to count how many options there are to either self-harm or kill myself (I’m up to 60)
Another thing that is making me think more of this is the fact I keep getting asked about the scars on my arms. It’s none of their business! I’m here cause of my stomach, not my inability to deal with everyday life like most people do. What would they do if I did cut? Would they realise this is not the place for me and let me go? Or would they section me for my own ‘safety’? To be honest that might even be fun, at least I would get to watch the crazies aga, maybe even join in for shits and giggles.
I just want to escape the building, the doctors and even myself but I know the only way I can escape myself is to cut myself and trance out while watching myself bleed…What to do…
My foods arrived, beef stew with mashed potato, tomato soup and sticky toffee pudding. I am hungry and I do want it but there’s a part of me that just wants to suffer. I guess I am becoming self-destructive in here…not a good sign. You know it’s weird, yes I’ve been cutting myself since I was 16 and no I don’t regret it as such, but now I have just finished my food and now all I want to do it sick it back up.
What the hell is wrong with me!? I don’t have an eating disorder and never have done…I like food! But right now all I want to do it use Mr Pukey as he is so rightly named. This place is really fucking me up. I’ve never liked hospitals but my previous stay in one this year took that to a new extreme and now I fear them!
I still have not cut so I guess I still have a little self-control left but oh is it tempting! People always say that self-harming is done to get attention but who am I trying to attract? The doctors and nurses? I don’t want them near me! My parents? I already know they are there for me. N**? No because again I know N** is there for me and it would just hurt her and that’s the last thing I want to do. And apart from my fellow close friends (you know who you are and I know your there for me too, just as I am for you) there is no one else. The truth is I cut because I like to cut. It calms me and puts everything into perspective. If people don’t understand that well I aint going to try to convince them.
Now back to the problem of my food…to be sick or not to be sick? It’s sad, in a place like this where you are alone, that question could most likely be answered in a short novel since all one has to do here is think, reflect…and count ceiling tiles (There are 95 by the way)
I’ve just been given a cup of coffee. Normally I would be happy for the taste but right now I just want to stare at it. Am I really that fucking depressed? Maybe I should show a shrink this diary thing and see what they think of it. They would most likely commit me and I would be right back to writing these day diaries. You know I guess it’s a little ironic, the one place that is meant to help me get better actually ends up making me feel worse…Go figure!
As you may have noticed, this entry is way longer than the others. That’s because it is the day that I am on at present and so I can write down my happenings as soon as I have them. *Note to self: Don’t knock custard anymore.*
You know if it weren’t for my phone letting me write all this then I would of most likely cut myself already or worse…It’s not like the lock on my medicine cabinet would be hard to break.
Wow! There is a nurse, obviously an intern who is complaining about being here and having to do the job she’s doing. Poor thing. I guess it must be real hard being able to leave this place as she pleases and go home. I truly feel sorry for her…Bitch.
Thank god I have my phone charger, this stupid thing would of died the first night and I wouldn’t of been able to record any of this like I am which would of meant…at least in sounds it would of meant *rustle of bedding, the metallic noise of the knife left from dinner scraping the table, the lovely sound of slicing flesh and finally the dripping of what follows* I’m sure there would also be a “Oh my god what have you done!?” and the bustling of people coming to my ‘aid’ but those sounds destroy my little melody. I’m really fucked in the head aint I? And why am I so stuck on the notion of self-harm anyway? I guess it’s something I have used for so long to calm myself that it’s now what my brain turns to automatically to comfort me. I really wish the clock in my room didn’t work, knowing the time makes it go all that slower.
Oh just to let you know, I didn’t make myself vomit, I guess that is a road I don’t want to go down, plus my stomach is already in pain so I’m sure it does not need anymore. I would like to cry though, that would be a nice release but I find it so hard to cry now it seems something that is impossible for me to do. It does happen on very rare occasions, when I am truly down and at the bottom of the barrel per say. I miss it. I think I use to be a better person when I did cry but due to many a bitch in my life, I seem to have switched off that part of my brain and that just makes me hate them all the more. I envy people who can cry away their stress, they don’t realise how lucky they are.
Why are all the ward staff singing? Have I finally snapped or did I pass out and wake up to something completely random? I have no clue but god save me from this hell hole.
MOTHER FUCKERS! I ask for coffee and when I take a sip expecting coffee, I get the swill that is tea >.< Urgh I aint drank this stuff in over ten years and now I remember why. But the most annoying thing is I can’t leave it because they will note down that I’m not drinking…THE FUCK! Also the woman was fascinated by EA’s book and was like “Oooooh one to look up in the library” Pfft yeah good luck with that…The tea weren’t so bad in the end I guess ¬.¬
Oh my god what the fuck is this!? I have a roommate…from the fucking prison! He’s beaten up to shit and there are two police officers with him. Should I be worried about my property or should I stay calm because the state he is in, he would be quite easy to knock the fuck out if he tried anything. Either way I can no longer concentrate on reading….greeeeeeeeat! Awww bless now I’m his ‘mate’ and he’s asking me for a ‘light’ I feel so institutionalised! Maybe I should get a white power tattoo and go butt fuck the weedy looking murse (male nurse) out in the hallway….or I could just stay in bed and be pissed off that I have been teamed up with a piece of prison trash…yeah sounds like that’s what I’m going to do. Fucking scum! I sense tonight is going to be a very long night. And I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I guess I shouldn’t of been surprised.
I think I have just found some respect for one of the nurses. She walks into the room, looks at the police and then the convict and just says “Ah bollox” and walks out. I’m trying not to laugh but dammit that was funny. Hmm so convict may have already done a runner…nice police work guys, always great to see tax payers money training the only people that can’t be trained to do something. They let him go for a smoke! Seriously! If I ever end up in the old slammer then shit I’m going to pull the same stunt me thinks. I shall make a deal with you old fun log of mine…if he comes back I shall drink another cup of tea, if he don’t I get my coffee back! What!? I got to think of something to keep me occupied, and since I don’t have the crazies to entertain me, I shall have the next best thing that can still be locked up by another human, a prisoner. Alright now I am officially crying from laughter. The same nurse that made the lovely yet crude bollox statement just turned to the police and said “You do realise he aint coming back right?” and both police officers looked at each other as if to say “Fuck were so dumb” and left the room…giving me the time I needed to laugh my ass off. Hmm I actually feel better cause of this. Thank you convict. Nawwwww they caught him! Damn blast now I have to suffer tea again. Fuck you convict! Well I feel awkward…convict is crying! What should I do? I have no idea. All I know is it’s not fair that someone like that has a privilege that I don’t.
So its 1:30am and I can’t sleep so I thought I would add to this. I so hope I get to leave tomorrow. If I don’t then…well I don’t know…night night.
I want a way to escape this place but I know I can’t and it’s driving me insane! I also went for my colonoscopy today which sucked because they decided to surprise me with an enema. Who the fuck ever thought this shit up should die! So after all of that, the test showed it’s not my UC. THEY ALREADY KNEW THAT! Why put me through more pain for something they already know?
Also I have again lost my appetite but I don’t care, I’m to fucking depressed now to even realise they have stopped my I.V so now I’m getting no nutrients. Maybe this should be a diet plan? But yes I feel dead in here now, I’ve even started to count how many options there are to either self-harm or kill myself (I’m up to 60)
Another thing that is making me think more of this is the fact I keep getting asked about the scars on my arms. It’s none of their business! I’m here cause of my stomach, not my inability to deal with everyday life like most people do. What would they do if I did cut? Would they realise this is not the place for me and let me go? Or would they section me for my own ‘safety’? To be honest that might even be fun, at least I would get to watch the crazies aga, maybe even join in for shits and giggles.
I just want to escape the building, the doctors and even myself but I know the only way I can escape myself is to cut myself and trance out while watching myself bleed…What to do…
My foods arrived, beef stew with mashed potato, tomato soup and sticky toffee pudding. I am hungry and I do want it but there’s a part of me that just wants to suffer. I guess I am becoming self-destructive in here…not a good sign. You know it’s weird, yes I’ve been cutting myself since I was 16 and no I don’t regret it as such, but now I have just finished my food and now all I want to do it sick it back up.
What the hell is wrong with me!? I don’t have an eating disorder and never have done…I like food! But right now all I want to do it use Mr Pukey as he is so rightly named. This place is really fucking me up. I’ve never liked hospitals but my previous stay in one this year took that to a new extreme and now I fear them!
I still have not cut so I guess I still have a little self-control left but oh is it tempting! People always say that self-harming is done to get attention but who am I trying to attract? The doctors and nurses? I don’t want them near me! My parents? I already know they are there for me. N**? No because again I know N** is there for me and it would just hurt her and that’s the last thing I want to do. And apart from my fellow close friends (you know who you are and I know your there for me too, just as I am for you) there is no one else. The truth is I cut because I like to cut. It calms me and puts everything into perspective. If people don’t understand that well I aint going to try to convince them.
Now back to the problem of my food…to be sick or not to be sick? It’s sad, in a place like this where you are alone, that question could most likely be answered in a short novel since all one has to do here is think, reflect…and count ceiling tiles (There are 95 by the way)
I’ve just been given a cup of coffee. Normally I would be happy for the taste but right now I just want to stare at it. Am I really that fucking depressed? Maybe I should show a shrink this diary thing and see what they think of it. They would most likely commit me and I would be right back to writing these day diaries. You know I guess it’s a little ironic, the one place that is meant to help me get better actually ends up making me feel worse…Go figure!
As you may have noticed, this entry is way longer than the others. That’s because it is the day that I am on at present and so I can write down my happenings as soon as I have them. *Note to self: Don’t knock custard anymore.*
You know if it weren’t for my phone letting me write all this then I would of most likely cut myself already or worse…It’s not like the lock on my medicine cabinet would be hard to break.
Wow! There is a nurse, obviously an intern who is complaining about being here and having to do the job she’s doing. Poor thing. I guess it must be real hard being able to leave this place as she pleases and go home. I truly feel sorry for her…Bitch.
Thank god I have my phone charger, this stupid thing would of died the first night and I wouldn’t of been able to record any of this like I am which would of meant…at least in sounds it would of meant *rustle of bedding, the metallic noise of the knife left from dinner scraping the table, the lovely sound of slicing flesh and finally the dripping of what follows* I’m sure there would also be a “Oh my god what have you done!?” and the bustling of people coming to my ‘aid’ but those sounds destroy my little melody. I’m really fucked in the head aint I? And why am I so stuck on the notion of self-harm anyway? I guess it’s something I have used for so long to calm myself that it’s now what my brain turns to automatically to comfort me. I really wish the clock in my room didn’t work, knowing the time makes it go all that slower.
Oh just to let you know, I didn’t make myself vomit, I guess that is a road I don’t want to go down, plus my stomach is already in pain so I’m sure it does not need anymore. I would like to cry though, that would be a nice release but I find it so hard to cry now it seems something that is impossible for me to do. It does happen on very rare occasions, when I am truly down and at the bottom of the barrel per say. I miss it. I think I use to be a better person when I did cry but due to many a bitch in my life, I seem to have switched off that part of my brain and that just makes me hate them all the more. I envy people who can cry away their stress, they don’t realise how lucky they are.
Why are all the ward staff singing? Have I finally snapped or did I pass out and wake up to something completely random? I have no clue but god save me from this hell hole.
MOTHER FUCKERS! I ask for coffee and when I take a sip expecting coffee, I get the swill that is tea >.< Urgh I aint drank this stuff in over ten years and now I remember why. But the most annoying thing is I can’t leave it because they will note down that I’m not drinking…THE FUCK! Also the woman was fascinated by EA’s book and was like “Oooooh one to look up in the library” Pfft yeah good luck with that…The tea weren’t so bad in the end I guess ¬.¬
Oh my god what the fuck is this!? I have a roommate…from the fucking prison! He’s beaten up to shit and there are two police officers with him. Should I be worried about my property or should I stay calm because the state he is in, he would be quite easy to knock the fuck out if he tried anything. Either way I can no longer concentrate on reading….greeeeeeeeat! Awww bless now I’m his ‘mate’ and he’s asking me for a ‘light’ I feel so institutionalised! Maybe I should get a white power tattoo and go butt fuck the weedy looking murse (male nurse) out in the hallway….or I could just stay in bed and be pissed off that I have been teamed up with a piece of prison trash…yeah sounds like that’s what I’m going to do. Fucking scum! I sense tonight is going to be a very long night. And I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I guess I shouldn’t of been surprised.
I think I have just found some respect for one of the nurses. She walks into the room, looks at the police and then the convict and just says “Ah bollox” and walks out. I’m trying not to laugh but dammit that was funny. Hmm so convict may have already done a runner…nice police work guys, always great to see tax payers money training the only people that can’t be trained to do something. They let him go for a smoke! Seriously! If I ever end up in the old slammer then shit I’m going to pull the same stunt me thinks. I shall make a deal with you old fun log of mine…if he comes back I shall drink another cup of tea, if he don’t I get my coffee back! What!? I got to think of something to keep me occupied, and since I don’t have the crazies to entertain me, I shall have the next best thing that can still be locked up by another human, a prisoner. Alright now I am officially crying from laughter. The same nurse that made the lovely yet crude bollox statement just turned to the police and said “You do realise he aint coming back right?” and both police officers looked at each other as if to say “Fuck were so dumb” and left the room…giving me the time I needed to laugh my ass off. Hmm I actually feel better cause of this. Thank you convict. Nawwwww they caught him! Damn blast now I have to suffer tea again. Fuck you convict! Well I feel awkward…convict is crying! What should I do? I have no idea. All I know is it’s not fair that someone like that has a privilege that I don’t.
So its 1:30am and I can’t sleep so I thought I would add to this. I so hope I get to leave tomorrow. If I don’t then…well I don’t know…night night.
Monday, 23 May 2011
My time in hospital - Day 3
Day 3 – Day three was pretty much the same as day two since I was still heavily medicated but some new events did happen which were…interesting.
Firstly the guy in the bed away from me was crazy, it weren’t his fault, I’m sure once he was quite a nice person but he had gained Parkinson’s later in life which left him attacking imaginary things in front of him. I did feel bad for the guy but this was better than T.V to watch and so I did, always curious as to what the daemons he was attacking looked like.
Also this day my mum and dad visited which was a surprise since I didn’t expect any due to me being in a hospital far away from anyone that mattered. They brought me some supplies and we talked…well…they talked, I drifted in and out of conversation and consciousness until it was time for them to go.
A couple of hours later and I was finally moved to the correct ward and it sucked from the get go! Firstly the room is like a fridge and there is no way of warming it up so that’s fun for sick people! “Come in with an illness and we shall give you a cold absolutely free!” that should have been the wards slogan.
The thing that really pissed me off was the new doctor, if I thought the previous doctor was a douche bag then this guy was a cunt. The first thing he did was take away my morphine, deciding the pain was not bad enough to require it. YES IT FUCKING WAS! So like the first day I was left in pain. God fucking dammit!
Also, even though he said it wasn’t UC he was still sending me for a colonoscopy so yeah thanks doc! Just add to my pain! Anyway that is it for day three. No…one more thing…the room I’m in only contains two beds, mine and some old guys so I guess my days of passing the time watching the crazies attack daemons were over…awwww. Oh I forgot to mention that tonight was the first time I had eaten something since Sunday morning…it was nice.
Firstly the guy in the bed away from me was crazy, it weren’t his fault, I’m sure once he was quite a nice person but he had gained Parkinson’s later in life which left him attacking imaginary things in front of him. I did feel bad for the guy but this was better than T.V to watch and so I did, always curious as to what the daemons he was attacking looked like.
Also this day my mum and dad visited which was a surprise since I didn’t expect any due to me being in a hospital far away from anyone that mattered. They brought me some supplies and we talked…well…they talked, I drifted in and out of conversation and consciousness until it was time for them to go.
A couple of hours later and I was finally moved to the correct ward and it sucked from the get go! Firstly the room is like a fridge and there is no way of warming it up so that’s fun for sick people! “Come in with an illness and we shall give you a cold absolutely free!” that should have been the wards slogan.
The thing that really pissed me off was the new doctor, if I thought the previous doctor was a douche bag then this guy was a cunt. The first thing he did was take away my morphine, deciding the pain was not bad enough to require it. YES IT FUCKING WAS! So like the first day I was left in pain. God fucking dammit!
Also, even though he said it wasn’t UC he was still sending me for a colonoscopy so yeah thanks doc! Just add to my pain! Anyway that is it for day three. No…one more thing…the room I’m in only contains two beds, mine and some old guys so I guess my days of passing the time watching the crazies attack daemons were over…awwww. Oh I forgot to mention that tonight was the first time I had eaten something since Sunday morning…it was nice.
Sunday, 22 May 2011
The Nightmare
Last night I had a terrible nightmare but I wansnt the visual aspect that scared me, it was the sounds.
Come September I am moving into a house with two friends on my course and the girl I have fallen for.
In this nightmare we were in the house but it wasnt the house, it was some run down haunted place. The atmosphere for the place was thick and it was very dark, you could barely make anything out.
The girl started to scream in her room and she ran into mine sobbing and telling me what happended but I cant remember what was actually wrong.
After that things began happening. She had gone back to her room and was screaming and making these deamonic sounds and also saying words that I could not understand but I automatically knew they were dangerous.
I dont know where the other two house mates were, Im not even sure if they were there.
The sounds she was making got worse and the phone in my room began to ring. Thats when she got really bad and slowly walked out into the hallway. It was very dark but I could make her out. She just stood there staring into my room saying these words that I could not understand.
It was at this point I knew she had been possessed by whatever was in the house and I was trapped. I couldnt escape my room because she was standing in the hallway and there was something in my room, its what made the phone ring. I dont know what it was but I knew i was there.
I tried getting back into my bed but the bed itself fell apart, leaving me on the floor with the screams still going on.
I knew I was in a dangerous situation and I had to get out but I could no longer move, I just had to lay there and wait for whatever may come.
Thankfully though this is when I woke up. It scared the hell out of me and I know it dont seem like much when you read it but like i said it was the sounds that terrified me, not the surroundings. I can think of no words to describe those sounds and I hope I never have that nightmare again.
IM.
Come September I am moving into a house with two friends on my course and the girl I have fallen for.
In this nightmare we were in the house but it wasnt the house, it was some run down haunted place. The atmosphere for the place was thick and it was very dark, you could barely make anything out.
The girl started to scream in her room and she ran into mine sobbing and telling me what happended but I cant remember what was actually wrong.
After that things began happening. She had gone back to her room and was screaming and making these deamonic sounds and also saying words that I could not understand but I automatically knew they were dangerous.
I dont know where the other two house mates were, Im not even sure if they were there.
The sounds she was making got worse and the phone in my room began to ring. Thats when she got really bad and slowly walked out into the hallway. It was very dark but I could make her out. She just stood there staring into my room saying these words that I could not understand.
It was at this point I knew she had been possessed by whatever was in the house and I was trapped. I couldnt escape my room because she was standing in the hallway and there was something in my room, its what made the phone ring. I dont know what it was but I knew i was there.
I tried getting back into my bed but the bed itself fell apart, leaving me on the floor with the screams still going on.
I knew I was in a dangerous situation and I had to get out but I could no longer move, I just had to lay there and wait for whatever may come.
Thankfully though this is when I woke up. It scared the hell out of me and I know it dont seem like much when you read it but like i said it was the sounds that terrified me, not the surroundings. I can think of no words to describe those sounds and I hope I never have that nightmare again.
IM.
My time in hospital - Day 2
Day 2 – what the hell happened on day two!? Was I really that drugged out my brains that I can’t remember two days ago? Damn!
Wait…things are coming back to me, I remember laying in a bed, counting ceiling tiles and watching the other heavily medicated people on the ward do the same. I also got to finally meet my doctor, a complete douche bag by the way who was only interested in telling me he didn’t think it was my UC but wouldn’t tell me what it was instead. Asshole!
They have also started me on an I.V drip because I was still being sick so at least I was fitting in I guess. Hey look guys I have a machine hooked up to me too, woooo! But yes that is all of day two, like I have said most of it was a haze due to me falling in and out of sleep.
IM.
Wait…things are coming back to me, I remember laying in a bed, counting ceiling tiles and watching the other heavily medicated people on the ward do the same. I also got to finally meet my doctor, a complete douche bag by the way who was only interested in telling me he didn’t think it was my UC but wouldn’t tell me what it was instead. Asshole!
They have also started me on an I.V drip because I was still being sick so at least I was fitting in I guess. Hey look guys I have a machine hooked up to me too, woooo! But yes that is all of day two, like I have said most of it was a haze due to me falling in and out of sleep.
IM.
Saturday, 21 May 2011
I dont get it
I dont get it,
My ex left me last December because of the problems I was going through and since then she has acted like I left her. Constantly telling me she loves me and it hurts her to know I have an interest in someone else.
What the fuck?! She has a boyfriend, has done since late Febuary and apparantly thats alright but as soon as I find someone I like its not OK at all. She keeps telling me she wants to be with me (even though she has someone) and that knowing I want to be with someone is fucking her up. Like it didnt fuck me up when she left me in a time I was very fucking unstable, like it wasnt fucked up when she dropped me a message telling me she has found someone else and they are "serious".
I dont fucking get it, it really upsets me. I mean shit I ended up on fucking suicide watch in a fucking mental hospital because she left me (yeah I was THAT unstable) and I get that it was my fault, really I do. But to then go about her life saying she wants to be with me and all that shit after shes put me through so much, WHY?!
I know Im not in the best place right now, but I am doing a lot better than I was. But with her saying all of this, fuck it brings back all the shit and it terrifies me!
What the fuck am I meant to do?!
IM.
My ex left me last December because of the problems I was going through and since then she has acted like I left her. Constantly telling me she loves me and it hurts her to know I have an interest in someone else.
What the fuck?! She has a boyfriend, has done since late Febuary and apparantly thats alright but as soon as I find someone I like its not OK at all. She keeps telling me she wants to be with me (even though she has someone) and that knowing I want to be with someone is fucking her up. Like it didnt fuck me up when she left me in a time I was very fucking unstable, like it wasnt fucked up when she dropped me a message telling me she has found someone else and they are "serious".
I dont fucking get it, it really upsets me. I mean shit I ended up on fucking suicide watch in a fucking mental hospital because she left me (yeah I was THAT unstable) and I get that it was my fault, really I do. But to then go about her life saying she wants to be with me and all that shit after shes put me through so much, WHY?!
I know Im not in the best place right now, but I am doing a lot better than I was. But with her saying all of this, fuck it brings back all the shit and it terrifies me!
What the fuck am I meant to do?!
IM.
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