Day 4 – I think I’m losing my fucking mind! Not only am I no longer allowed the one pain medication that helped, but now the one other person in my room…I mean my ward has left so I’m alone. I like my privacy but not in situations like this. It just makes me think of self-harming again.
I want a way to escape this place but I know I can’t and it’s driving me insane! I also went for my colonoscopy today which sucked because they decided to surprise me with an enema. Who the fuck ever thought this shit up should die! So after all of that, the test showed it’s not my UC. THEY ALREADY KNEW THAT! Why put me through more pain for something they already know?
Also I have again lost my appetite but I don’t care, I’m to fucking depressed now to even realise they have stopped my I.V so now I’m getting no nutrients. Maybe this should be a diet plan? But yes I feel dead in here now, I’ve even started to count how many options there are to either self-harm or kill myself (I’m up to 60)
Another thing that is making me think more of this is the fact I keep getting asked about the scars on my arms. It’s none of their business! I’m here cause of my stomach, not my inability to deal with everyday life like most people do. What would they do if I did cut? Would they realise this is not the place for me and let me go? Or would they section me for my own ‘safety’? To be honest that might even be fun, at least I would get to watch the crazies aga, maybe even join in for shits and giggles.
I just want to escape the building, the doctors and even myself but I know the only way I can escape myself is to cut myself and trance out while watching myself bleed…What to do…
My foods arrived, beef stew with mashed potato, tomato soup and sticky toffee pudding. I am hungry and I do want it but there’s a part of me that just wants to suffer. I guess I am becoming self-destructive in here…not a good sign. You know it’s weird, yes I’ve been cutting myself since I was 16 and no I don’t regret it as such, but now I have just finished my food and now all I want to do it sick it back up.
What the hell is wrong with me!? I don’t have an eating disorder and never have done…I like food! But right now all I want to do it use Mr Pukey as he is so rightly named. This place is really fucking me up. I’ve never liked hospitals but my previous stay in one this year took that to a new extreme and now I fear them!
I still have not cut so I guess I still have a little self-control left but oh is it tempting! People always say that self-harming is done to get attention but who am I trying to attract? The doctors and nurses? I don’t want them near me! My parents? I already know they are there for me. N**? No because again I know N** is there for me and it would just hurt her and that’s the last thing I want to do. And apart from my fellow close friends (you know who you are and I know your there for me too, just as I am for you) there is no one else. The truth is I cut because I like to cut. It calms me and puts everything into perspective. If people don’t understand that well I aint going to try to convince them.
Now back to the problem of my food…to be sick or not to be sick? It’s sad, in a place like this where you are alone, that question could most likely be answered in a short novel since all one has to do here is think, reflect…and count ceiling tiles (There are 95 by the way)
I’ve just been given a cup of coffee. Normally I would be happy for the taste but right now I just want to stare at it. Am I really that fucking depressed? Maybe I should show a shrink this diary thing and see what they think of it. They would most likely commit me and I would be right back to writing these day diaries. You know I guess it’s a little ironic, the one place that is meant to help me get better actually ends up making me feel worse…Go figure!
As you may have noticed, this entry is way longer than the others. That’s because it is the day that I am on at present and so I can write down my happenings as soon as I have them. *Note to self: Don’t knock custard anymore.*
You know if it weren’t for my phone letting me write all this then I would of most likely cut myself already or worse…It’s not like the lock on my medicine cabinet would be hard to break.
Wow! There is a nurse, obviously an intern who is complaining about being here and having to do the job she’s doing. Poor thing. I guess it must be real hard being able to leave this place as she pleases and go home. I truly feel sorry for her…Bitch.
Thank god I have my phone charger, this stupid thing would of died the first night and I wouldn’t of been able to record any of this like I am which would of meant…at least in sounds it would of meant *rustle of bedding, the metallic noise of the knife left from dinner scraping the table, the lovely sound of slicing flesh and finally the dripping of what follows* I’m sure there would also be a “Oh my god what have you done!?” and the bustling of people coming to my ‘aid’ but those sounds destroy my little melody. I’m really fucked in the head aint I? And why am I so stuck on the notion of self-harm anyway? I guess it’s something I have used for so long to calm myself that it’s now what my brain turns to automatically to comfort me. I really wish the clock in my room didn’t work, knowing the time makes it go all that slower.
Oh just to let you know, I didn’t make myself vomit, I guess that is a road I don’t want to go down, plus my stomach is already in pain so I’m sure it does not need anymore. I would like to cry though, that would be a nice release but I find it so hard to cry now it seems something that is impossible for me to do. It does happen on very rare occasions, when I am truly down and at the bottom of the barrel per say. I miss it. I think I use to be a better person when I did cry but due to many a bitch in my life, I seem to have switched off that part of my brain and that just makes me hate them all the more. I envy people who can cry away their stress, they don’t realise how lucky they are.
Why are all the ward staff singing? Have I finally snapped or did I pass out and wake up to something completely random? I have no clue but god save me from this hell hole.
MOTHER FUCKERS! I ask for coffee and when I take a sip expecting coffee, I get the swill that is tea >.< Urgh I aint drank this stuff in over ten years and now I remember why. But the most annoying thing is I can’t leave it because they will note down that I’m not drinking…THE FUCK! Also the woman was fascinated by EA’s book and was like “Oooooh one to look up in the library” Pfft yeah good luck with that…The tea weren’t so bad in the end I guess ¬.¬
Oh my god what the fuck is this!? I have a roommate…from the fucking prison! He’s beaten up to shit and there are two police officers with him. Should I be worried about my property or should I stay calm because the state he is in, he would be quite easy to knock the fuck out if he tried anything. Either way I can no longer concentrate on reading….greeeeeeeeat! Awww bless now I’m his ‘mate’ and he’s asking me for a ‘light’ I feel so institutionalised! Maybe I should get a white power tattoo and go butt fuck the weedy looking murse (male nurse) out in the hallway….or I could just stay in bed and be pissed off that I have been teamed up with a piece of prison trash…yeah sounds like that’s what I’m going to do. Fucking scum! I sense tonight is going to be a very long night. And I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I guess I shouldn’t of been surprised.
I think I have just found some respect for one of the nurses. She walks into the room, looks at the police and then the convict and just says “Ah bollox” and walks out. I’m trying not to laugh but dammit that was funny. Hmm so convict may have already done a runner…nice police work guys, always great to see tax payers money training the only people that can’t be trained to do something. They let him go for a smoke! Seriously! If I ever end up in the old slammer then shit I’m going to pull the same stunt me thinks. I shall make a deal with you old fun log of mine…if he comes back I shall drink another cup of tea, if he don’t I get my coffee back! What!? I got to think of something to keep me occupied, and since I don’t have the crazies to entertain me, I shall have the next best thing that can still be locked up by another human, a prisoner. Alright now I am officially crying from laughter. The same nurse that made the lovely yet crude bollox statement just turned to the police and said “You do realise he aint coming back right?” and both police officers looked at each other as if to say “Fuck were so dumb” and left the room…giving me the time I needed to laugh my ass off. Hmm I actually feel better cause of this. Thank you convict. Nawwwww they caught him! Damn blast now I have to suffer tea again. Fuck you convict! Well I feel awkward…convict is crying! What should I do? I have no idea. All I know is it’s not fair that someone like that has a privilege that I don’t.
So its 1:30am and I can’t sleep so I thought I would add to this. I so hope I get to leave tomorrow. If I don’t then…well I don’t know…night night.
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