My time in hospital - Day 5

Day 5 – Its 8:25am and it feels like I aint slept at all. I’m not sure what meds they are giving me anymore but what I have realised is that it seems to change with each nurse. I’ve just had my morning dose and now I feel quite sick (Not self-inflicted, I truly feel ill) Also, the pain in my stomach is pretty bad right now. I have also been told they are taking out my cannula today which is a little annoying because I’ve become quite fond of it and it is still something that lets me pass the time by flicking it or releasing the pressure clasp so my blood flows through the tube.

I think I am also getting a cold here, my nose is all blocked up. God I hate it here! It’s not even 9am yet. I have a feeling that today is going to be another wrenched day where I end up ranting on this. I guess one good thing happened…convict didn’t try taking any of my stuff last night.

Well I was sick and naturally I called the nurse because of the pain but get this…it took over an hour for her to do anything. I was in so much pain I started to cry! Maybe I should thank her? My eyes burn now though…all of the saline I have been on has apparently made my tears super salty…yum yum. The doctor has also been to visit and it looks like I am stuck in here till after the weekend. Fan-fucking-tastic! He reckons it’s one of the medications I am on that’s causing me to be like this. The dosage of said tablet is way too high apparently…maybe I should sue? They are also putting a new cannula in me…yay! I shall name it Bob. Bob the cannula, nice ring don’t you think? No? Well fuck you! I wish I could sleep through my whole time here, it would make things so much more bearable.

*Note to self: Cyclizine through the veins hurts. It hurts real bad, they said it was like pouring acid into my veins and fuck I believe them…at least it took away some of the sickness.* I’ve just realised that today is the 5th which means it is Bonfire Night for everyone but me. That’s so fucking unfair >.< I hate being here so much! *while staring at things he could set on fire to honour this night he starts to hum “Remember, remember, the 5th of November, the gunpowder reason and plot. I can think of no reason, why the gunpowder treason, should ever be forgot”*

You know I think convict has done another runner, he left this morning and has not returned…hmm. I’ve just had my lunch by the way, one whole small cup of vegetable soup, how very filling. I just don’t want to be sick again but what I would give for a steak or a pint of coke.

Oh by the way I have a new doctor and so far he seems good, at least he is trying, not like the previous cunt. That guy was with him today, kissing ass so you could tell the new doc was of more importance. He looks an awful lot like guy in House MD. I can’t remember his name but he is a cancer doctor and best friend of House…yeah well him.

I’ve just realised something that is oddly true. In her book EA tells of how she has realised that many things are pink in the medical world and I’m starting to believe it. Even my cannula is a lovely shade of baby pink. I wonder why pink, anyone know?

I long for a biscuit.

So Bob is now snugly in my right elbow and actually quite painful compared to the one in my left hand. It’s still pink by the way, didn’t they have purple or black or even red? At least make the thing look appealing to the person it is going to be stuck into! They took more blood too and ended up spilling it on me, lovely. Such a waste.

So I’ve just finished EA’s book which was amazing but now what the hell am I going to do!? I’m already feeling the stress rise in me again now I’m back in here with nothing to distract me. I always do this! I enjoy reading but when I do read a book I read it so damn quick that very soon after starting, the magic and escape of realism is gone and I am left with nothing again. I guess I’ll count the ceiling tiles again…aint done that in a while and the last thing I want is for the tiles to think I’m ignoring them.

I’ve just ate my tea, all of it and now I feel quite sick. Sadly my torment is not over though because now I have to have a cup of tea since I lost the bet with myself last night. Grrr. There! The tea is gone and now I truly feel sick, not a good thing since I can’t leave my bed…maybe I can aim it elsewhere when/if it happens. I think I may re-read EA’s book. I have nothing else here.

I would like to thank the random people in Chorley who still keep to the tradition of Bonfire Night…I might not be able to take part but at least I get to watch the pretty fireworks light up the sky. I am starting to feel quite sad again though, maybe its cause of boredom or the fact I’m missing N** terribly or the fact I’ve finished Miss Autumn’s book to damn quickly or the fact I’m still stuck in here…or possibly it’s just the fact Bob is pink! Hmmm thinking about it Bob does not suit the pink cannula so sorry Bob but I’m re-naming you as Belle. Everyone say hi Belle. HI BELLE! I must admit Belle is keeping me quite intrigued. She keeps sucking out blood from my vein but then seconds later it gets sucked back in. In and out, in and out, it’s quite repetitive…almost trance like.

Hmm so I guess convict has gone back to prison since there is a new guy now in the bed next to me. I’m in no mood to talk though so no idea what his deal is.

Oh coffee, oh precious sweet tasty coffee I am so glad your back. I’m quite bored at the moment but what’s new on that front? My time consists of doing word searches and watching online T.V which brings me to a new thing all together. A show I was watching was set in Florida and just seeing the place brought back all the memories of being there so I have decided the come July next year I, along with N**, shall be going. I can’t wait! Now back to the word search…how ironic, the word is ‘trapped’.

I am lying in bed right now and have come to a very depressing conclusion about myself, I have nothing that makes me me. Everything that is me I have taken from the people around me. There is nothing original about me at all. It’s no wonder I give up everything I try…I guess even getting into university wasn’t even my own doing when I look at it like that. *Sigh* Night people.

It’s now 2:02am and I’m still tied up on my previous statement about myself. I can’t actually remember a time where I have selected something for me. Did I do it to fit in? Of course I did but now I wish I didn’t. I don’t know me at all, just the personas I have taken on so people will like me. If I had been myself would I have done better in school? Maybe learnt an instrument which wasn’t such a fucking typical choice and then maybe stuck at it and have been able to play it well? Would I have ended up slashing my arm to shreds over pointless things? Hell would I even be depressed or have thought of self-harm? I can’t fucking believe I’m going to be showing this to everyone once I get out. I’m going to most likely be hated for it or if not hated then mocked or some fucking other kind of ridicule. I have been asked in the past “Why not talk to a therapist?” well because face to face, even with those who are dearest to me, I freeze up and shut down and I can’t express any of this because I don’t want to be looked at like some sort of fucking freak or sad pathetic waste of space. IT’S FUCKING EMBARRASSING! There is also the fact I don’t want to get fucking locked up on a damn psych ward, being evaluated night and day and constantly fucking stared at. It’s bad enough for me being on a normal hospital ward (As some of you might have noticed) let alone a ward like that! I do want help/treatment…whatever the fuck it’s called. I want to be ‘fixed’ I don’t want these thoughts no more, I don’t see how anyone could! Yes I am self-destructive, most definitely, but I do want to move away from that, put it behind me and never look back. It’s sad, this is the first time ever and I mean EVER where I have been completely open. No secrets or cover ups, you’re getting the real deal here. Feel special? You really should. Now…back to my problem of self-identity, I guess there is something I like for me and was not influenced by others. Cookies. How can anyone not like cookies? But yeah there go, the one (And only) aspect I can think of that is me. Fucking amazing isn’t it.

Grrr for fuck sake thanks to all the glucose saline they have pumped into me today I can’t sleep. It’s now 3:13am by the way.